Have you ever made a list of what your goals are for your parenting?  Have you ever thought about you as the parent – what you want that parent to do, say and look like?

Now, I am not asking about specific goals you have for your child’s life, education and career.  I’m talking about specific goals for yourself as a parent – how you want to interact with your child, how you want to respond, what you want to achieve.

This begins with having clarity as to what your job of parenting is all about. Notice I use the word job.  That’s on purpose, for it is a job and by far the most important, the most time consuming, the most difficult and often the most frustrating job you will ever have.  More important than a gardener, a CEO, a small business owner, a cattleman, a volunteer at the food pantry, a doctor or nurse, a first responder.  Truly, parenting is the MOST IMPORTANT job you will ever have.

So, do you have a job description for this MOST IMPORTANT job?  Do you have a clear vision of where you are going and how you are going to get there?

HOW DO YOU GET THERE?

I believe that you must step away from the emotions and sentimentalities of loving your child(ren), and view your parenting from a somewhat business perspective.  When you do this, your job of parenting will become easier for you!  Trust me, I’ve seen this happen.  And who doesn’t want that!

Plus, in the performance of your ‘job’, the love, concern and compassion you have is not going to disappear or be minimized.  That’s God-given and natural.  In fact, I found (in 30 years of marriage and family counseling, parenting coaching and classes) that parents who first gain clarity as to the job of parenting, find themselves feeling more emotionally connected to the child(ren) because they have a new perspective and a more realistic view of what they can and cannot accomplish.  Thus, their patience, frustration tolerance, tenacity and consistency increased significantly.  When I would ask parents to give themselves a parenting grade when they first came to therapy, most often it was a C, C- or D.  After 2-3 months of working at the ‘job’ of parenting, they would consistently give themselves a B, B+ or even a few said A-.  They would tell me they were convinced that they were on the right track and would continue to improve in their ‘performance’.  They were taking their job seriously and seeing positive results.  They had a new confidence as well.

What a change!

TAKE A MINUTE.

Now, I’d ask that you take a minute before you read the rest of this blog, and make a quick mental list of what you’d say are the goals of your parenting.  I’m hoping to provoke you into thinking a bit differently and thus once you’ve finished your list, then read the remainder of the blog and compare your list with mine.

Oh, and let me know what you think. Your feedback is much appreciated.

THE GOALS ARE NOT!

Let me start by clearly stating what the goals of parenting ARE NOT:

• to make your child happy,
• to make your child like you,
• to entertain your child,
• to become your child’s buddy,
• to end your child’s boredom.

If you go down that track, you will work yourself to death, fail miserably in the end, and have a child that is selfish, demanding, often complains of being bored, and feels entitled. They will grow up expecting others to take care of them.  Parenting is NOT a popularity contest! It’s impossible to make someone truly happy and filled with joy; that is something we must each find for ourselves.  And buddies can’t set clear boundaries for another buddy, and boundaries are very important for all of us to have as children so we learn right from wrong, what is and is not permissible and what is socially acceptable, as well as learning a lot about safety and dangers in this world we live.

THE GOALS

As you read and think through these four major goals, compare it with your mental list.  You will find you will be able to place some of your goals into one of these four, and you may find you will want to eliminate a couple as well and rethink your role as a parent.

The GOALS OF PARENTING lay the foundation for you to raise a child so that they will be well-mannered, confident, reliable, caring, conscientious and a person of faith. Every parent wants this for their child(ren), and these 4 principles set the standard, so that your child will be:

1. Responsible
   • Responsible for their attitude, their behavior and choices, and the consequences of their behavior and choices. They understand clearly that they are going to be held accountable for what they say and do.  There will be no blaming of others;
2. Trustworthy
   • A trustworthy individual, honest in all their dealings, can be counted on to do what they say they will do, and understands personal integrity so that they are trusted by others;
3. Compassionate
   • A caring, compassionate and emotionally available person. We are all born into this world as what I call a ‘me, me, me’ person.  We want what we want when we want it.  As we grow, if we are allowed to hold on to this attitude, we will become an adult narcissist, totally focused on ourselves.
     • Narcissists are not pleasant people nor easy to have relationships with; they are demanding and have a pervasive sense of entitlement. Although some of them do develop a special charm that convince people they are wonderful and authentic, they use and abuse people to manipulate and get what they want without concern for others.
   • But children who are lovingly parented with the goal of helping them mature into having a true concern for others and a compassion for other’s feelings and experiences, grow into caring and compassionate individuals, and are not selfishly self-focused;
4. Spirit-Filled
   • A lover of God. There is absolutely nothing, nothing more important than leading your child to God and the love of Jesus, so that they become firm in their belief and grow into a personal knowing that Christ is their Savior. For a child to know of God, to believe in God as our Creator and our Heavenly Father, and to turn to God for guidance on both the smallest and the greatest issues of their lives only happens when taught and modeled by the parent(s).
     • This includes attending and being active in a church.
     • Praying regularly as a family, at meals and bedtimes.
     • Teaching your child to pray and having them pray for the family, friends and other concerns in front of family and friends.
     • Discussing how God has guided you and the great joy and peace you have knowing you are a child of God, just as they are a child of God and are “…precious in His sight.”

I challenge each of you to reflect on these goals and to look at how you can move forward to help your child grow into the person that they can be (and that you want them to be). As you focus on the four principles underlying these goals, you will discover that your response to various interactions becomes much easier, for you will have clarity of what you want to accomplish and not just respond with an emotional response in the moment.